Human Rights Campaign Foundation, Updated October 2022 | 25 Minute Read.
Coming Out: Living Authentically as Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual+
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No matter who we are or who we love, we all deserve the right to live out our lives genuinely, completely and honestly.
In this report, we use the term “LGB+” as an umbrella term for sexual identities that are non-straight, such as lesbian, gay and bisexual (“LGB”), as well as any and all additional non-straight sexual identities (“+”). While we use “LGB+” in this report as shorthand, it is meant for anyone who identifies as any one of the multitude of sexual identities which people may feel best describe themselves.
The majority of people are straight, which refers to men who are usually romantically or sexually attracted only to women and women who are usually romantically or sexually attracted only to men.
Many straight men and women are openly attracted to and have relationships with transgender men and women. Many men who are attracted to only cisgender or transgender women consider themselves straight, as do many women who are only attracted to cisgender or trans men. Other people may be attracted to people of the same or similar genders to their own, or to more than one gender. We use many words to describe non-straight attraction — lesbian, gay, bisexual, pansexual, queer and fluid are all commonly used labels.
Because straight people are the majority, LGB+ people are often assumed to be straight unless they indicate otherwise. Some LGB+ people may indicate their sexuality through their outward expression, such as tattoos, clothes or accessories with LGB+ symbols. Others may casually mention their LGB+ identity when it comes up in conversation.
Still others may formally “come out” and disclose their LGB+ identity to those important to them. While we strive for a world where straight identities aren’t assumed to be the norm, the coming out process remains a common experience for LGB+ people. In this resource, you will find advice for safely and comfortably coming out.
Every day, each and every one of us makes deeply personal decisions about how open we want to be with ourselves and with others about our non-straight sexuality, to whom we want to open up, and when and where we want to open up to them. Each of us comes out in our own way and in our own time. Throughout the process of coming out and living ever more openly, you should always be in the driver’s seat about whether, how, where, when and with whom you choose to be open.
This resource was designed to help you and your loved ones through the coming out process in realistic and practical terms. It acknowledges that the experience of coming out and living openly covers the full spectrum of human emotion — from paralyzing fear to unbounded euphoria.
We hope this resource helps you meet the challenges and opportunities that living openly offers to each of us.
No resource can be fully applicable to every member of the LGBTQ+ community. HRC offers other resources beyond this general one, including materials specifically designed for transgender and non-binary people, Bi+ people, Black LGBTQ+ people, Latinx LGBTQ+ people, Asian and Pacific Islander LGBTQ+ people, and allies. Visit HRC’s Coming Out resource page for additional information.
Coming Out and Inviting In:
When a person realizes they are LGB+, they may decide to tell others about their identity, a process often called “coming out.” The phrase “coming out” may also refer to the process by which a person accepts themselves as LGB+. Some LGB+ people may choose to describe the process of telling others as “inviting in” and letting others know important parts of themselves. The concept of “inviting in” reminds us that others must put in the work to allow us to feel safe and comfortable being fully open as our authentic selves.
Every LGB+ person makes a decision about whether, how, where, when and with whom we want to be open.
While no one resource can be fully applicable to every LGB+ person, this resource aims to help you and your loved ones through this process in realistic and practical terms, regardless of what that process may look like.
The experience of coming out or inviting in covers the full spectrum of human emotion — from paralyzing fear to genuine happiness. We are here to walk you through what that may look like.
Non-straight people may identify themselves in a myriad of ways. While terminology for many identities can differ over time and across communities, the following definitions are a good starting point.
Sexual orientation: Term used to describe one’s overall inherent or immutable enduring emotional, romantic or sexual attractions to other people. Essentially, it is who you are ‘oriented’ towards. Note: an individual’s sexual orientation is independent of their gender identity.
Sexual identity: The label one uses for their sexual orientation. Essentially, it is the term you use to indicate your sexual orientation, to yourself and to the world. While most people who use a specific sexual identity (e.g., lesbian) use it to refer to a specific sexual orientation (e.g., a woman who is attracted to other women), others may use different identity labels to describe that same sexual orientation—and others still may use the same identity label to convey different sexual orientations.
Below we offer some definitions of what it means to be lesbian, gay, or bisexual+, focusing on the most common sexual identities, and the most common and ‘typical’ sexual orientations they reflect. However, these not meant to be definitive. Every single person has their own sexual identity and sexual orientation, and there is no right or wrong way to define either. This guide is still for you, even if you have a different sexual identity than what is listed below, and even if your sexual orientation and sexual identity do not match the definitions we provide.
See the glossary at the end of this guide for additional terms and definitions.
Lesbian: A woman who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to other women. Many lesbian women are also sexually and romantically attracted to trans women. Women and non-binary people may use this term to describe themselves.
Gay: A person who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to members of the same gender. Many gay men are sexually and romantically attracted to trans men, and many gay women are sexually and romantically attracted to trans women. Men, women and non-binary people may use this term to describe themselves.
Bisexual: A person emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to more than one sex, gender or gender identity, though not necessarily simultaneously, in the same way or to the same degree. This is sometimes written as bisexual+ or bi+ to incorporate many non-monosexual identities, such as pansexual, omnisexual, or fluid. Bisexuals make up the majority of the LGBTQ+ population – according to a 2021 Gallup poll, over half (56.8%) of all LGBTQ+ adults in the United States identified as bisexual.
Queer: Queer has many meanings. For some people, “queer” is a general catch-all/umbrella term, used as a shorthand to capture all non-heterosexual sexual identities, and/or non-cisgender gender identities.
For other people, queer may reflect their sexual orientation, leading them to identify as queer as opposed to lesbian, or bisexual, or something else; for them, queer often reflects those who are attracted to/partner with people who are transgender, non-binary, or gender-expansive. Still others may use queer to define themselves as a reflection of their own non-binary or gender-expansive identities. This term was previously used as a slur, but has been reclaimed by many parts of the LGBTQ+ movement. Like all identities, you should only refer to someone as queer when they have let you know they identify that way.
Monosexual: Describes someone who has the potential for emotional, romantic or sexual attraction to people of only one gender.
Pansexual: Describes someone who has the potential for emotional, romantic or sexual attraction to people of any gender, though not necessarily simultaneously, in the same way or to the same degree. Sometimes used interchangeably with omnisexual, queer, bisexual.
Fluid: A term people often use to describe their sexual orientation if their orientation changes with time, or if their orientation has the potential to change with time.
Keep in mind that even if one label (or more than one label) speaks to you, you are not stuck with that label forever. As humans, we learn about ourselves and grow throughout our entire lives, and we may later find that a certain label doesn’t fit us as well as it once did. It is ok if one day you wake up and realize that you’re not exactly who you thought you were.
Know that you, and only you, are in charge of your own identity, and you alone have the freedom to define yourself.
From birth, most of us are raised to think of ourselves as fitting into a certain mold.
Our culture, and often our families, teach us that we are “supposed to” be attracted to certain people and look, act and carry ourselves in specific ways. Few of us are told that we might have a sexual orientation that differs from straightness, or that we might feel compelled to express ourselves in ways that aren’t traditionally associated with our sexual orientation.
There is no one moment when it’s “right” to be open about your own sexuality. Some LGB+ people have long struggled to live the lives they think they’re supposed to live, instead of the lives they know they were meant to live. Some come to question or recognize their sexualities suddenly and immediately take action. Others take more time.
We can realize who we are at any and all stages of our lives — when we’re children or teens, seniors, married, single, with children or without. There is no wrong time in your life to realize and begin living openly as who you are.
When you’re ready, no matter when that is, we will be here for you.
Disclosure of your LGB+ identity to others can be both critical and stressful. Some LGB+ people may feel little need to disclose themselves, while others feel the desire to tell people as soon as they realize it themselves. Both of these timelines, and everything in between, are valid.
Given the vast diversity of LGB+ people, there’s no single rule to be applied as to whether a person should (or can safely) disclose their identity to others. Throughout the self-disclosure process, it’s common to feel:
Scared • Unsafe • Confused • Guilty • Empowered • Exhilarated • Proud • Uncertain • Brave • Affirmed • Relieved
All of these feelings, and others, are normal, no matter the intensity or duration. Disclosure can be a complicated process. What’s important is to check in with yourself and the emotions you are having along every step of the way.
When you’re ready to tell that first person — or even those first few people — we recommend giving yourself time to prepare.
Do I know what I want to say?
Many people are still answering tough questions for themselves and are not ready to identify as LGB+, especially at the beginning of the disclosure or coming out process. Others may know they are LGB+ without knowing exactly what that means to themselves or to others. That’s ok. Maybe you just want to tell someone that you’re starting to ask yourself these questions. Even if you don’t yet have all the answers, your feelings and your safety are what matter. To work out what you want to communicate, try writing down ideas or a script, meditating, and brainstorming.
How can I tell others?
There are many ways you can tell others about being LGB+. You may choose to have a conversation, either in person or on the phone. You may write to people via letter, email or text. Some people decide to live openly and not tell others until they notice or decide to ask.
If you just want to tell someone, but don't necessarily want to immediately engage in a discussion or conversation, it may be helpful to write out what you want to say and send it to them via email or text message. That way, if they respond, you can choose when and how to read and engage with their response.
Who should I tell first?
Who you disclose to first can be a critical decision. You may want to select people who you suspect will be most supportive, as their support can help you share with others. Consider who might be your champion — is it a close friend or colleague, your favorite teacher or professor, a parent or sibling, or another trusted person in your life? Is it someone else in your life who also identifies as LGB+?
At the same time, know that this kind of news can travel quickly – even between the most well-intentioned people. If you’d prefer that people keep your news confidential, be sure to tell them so. It’s also important to plan for the chance that someone, intentionally or not, may share your news with others before you have the chance to do so yourself. That being said, don’t be discouraged. Set the boundaries that make the most sense to you and try to do things at your own pace, no matter what that pace may be.
What kinds of signals am I getting?
Sometimes you can get a sense of how accepting people will be by the things they say. You may notice the way people talk about LGBQ+ characters in movies or TV shows, or they may share their involvement in LGBTQ+ rights organizations with you. While these signs are important and encouraging, remember that some people may not react in the way that you expect. The most LGBTQ+ friendly person in the office may react negatively, while the person who said something insensitive about gay people might end up being your strongest supporter. Be sure to keep an open mind, and gravitate toward those who support you — especially those doing so with open arms and no qualms.
Am I well-informed and willing to answer questions?
People’s reactions to the news that you’re LGB+ can depend largely on how much information they have about LGB+ issues and how much they feel they can ask. While more and more people are becoming familiar and accepting of LGB+ people, and understanding of sexual identity, others may still have questions.
It is never your responsibility or duty to educate others about LGB+ people or issues in general. Nor is it ever your responsibility or duty to respond to someone who is being homophobic or biphobic or reacts negatively to your disclosure. However, if you are open to answering questions asked in good faith, and feel well equipped to answer more general (rather than personal) questions, and feel comfortable and safe doing so, it can go a long way toward helping others understand LGB+ identities. Some helpful facts and frequently asked questions can be found later in this resource to help get you started. If you prefer to just send a couple articles or books to people in your life, that’s ok too. See the end of this resource for ideas.
Is this a good time?
Timing is key, and choosing the right time is up to you.
Consider whether this is a good time for the other person to hear it: Be aware of the mood, priorities, stresses and problems of those to whom you would like to come out. If they’re dealing with their own major life concerns, they may not be able to respond to your disclosure constructively.
Consider whether this is a good time for you to say it, and deal with any potential reactions: It may never feel like the right time to come out. Come out when it feels best for you and when the person you are coming out to is in a position to receive that information.
Can I be patient?
Just as it may have taken you time to come to terms with being LGB+, some people will need time to think things over after you disclose that news to them. The reason you’ve chosen to be open with these people is that you care about them or that you found it necessary. You may disclose to a range of people — family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, medical providers, faith leaders or others — and their reactions may vary. Those closest to you may have some of the strongest reactions — both positive and negative — and affect you the most. Sometimes their support will only reveal itself over time. Other times, important people in your life may never provide you with adequate support and recognition of your sexuality. No matter how anyone in your life chooses to react, your sexuality is valid and there are people who will support you.
Is it safe to disclose to those closest to me?
If you have any doubt at all as to your safety, carefully weigh your risks and options for disclosure. LGB+ people may face bullying and harassment or even be forced out of their homes by unsupportive family members, landlords and housemates. Others may face physical violence that can even be fatal. If you are under age 18 or financially dependent on your parents or caregivers, the decision to disclose should be made very carefully.
Knowing this, some LGB+ people choose to disclose being LGB+ in a safe space with friends by their sides. Others may relocate to a safe location, often with the help of other LGBTQ+ people and our allies. Even if you feel alone, know that there is a large community of LGBTQ+ people and our allies who will welcome you with open arms. Please, hold on.
Is it safe to disclose at work?
In 2020, the Supreme Court of the United States issued a decision in Bostock v. Clayton County, Georgia that makes it clear that discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity is prohibited under the federal employment non-discrimination law known as Title VII.
In addition, many private businesses and companies, as well as states and localities have laws protecting LGB+ people from employment discrimination. That being said, LGB+ people are still highly vulnerable to violence, harassment and discrimination. As a result, disclosure to someone could have real costs. However you decide to come out, it is important to know your rights and find allies who can support you.
What do I do if someone reacts badly?
Not everyone will react positively. This is an unfortunate fact of being LGB+. Our world is changing, but not everyone is there yet. Just as when you change careers, change religions or move to a different city, you may lose friends when you disclose — and they may not be the ones you expected. What’s important is that you know your truth, and that you don’t let other peoples’ uninformed opinions direct your own narrative. You know who you are, and that is enough. It will be hard, but many more people will accept you than you may expect. Focus your energy on them because they are the ones that are worth it.
What if someone outs me before I’m ready?
If someone shares information about your identity before you are ready, it is important to try to find ways to take back control of your own narrative. If it’s safe, you can speak to the person who outed you to let them know that what they did was not ok. You can also speak to the person to whom you were outed, so you can tell them in your own words and let them know who it is and isn’t ok to tell. It can also be helpful to develop a support system of people you are out to, so they can help you in times like these. Please see the end of this resource for a list of organizations that may also be able to support you.
